How Are You Treating the People Who Matter Most?

Idea

We’re good at measuring our financial bank accounts. At work, it’s the “bottom line”, your “profit and loss statement (P&L)”, delivering commercial results.

But results aren’t generated just by machines, processes and procedures. The real difference in business results often comes from people and our relationships with each other.

That’s where the emotional bank account comes in. It’s the “P&L” of our relationships with the most important people in our lives. These could be mentors, colleagues or juniors, or friends and family members.

The research says that relationships flourish when there are at least 3-5 positive interactions for every negative one. For example:

• In a marriage context, Dr. John Gottman’s Magic Relationship Ratio is 5:1 (positive to negative interactions).
• In the workplace, Barbara Fredrickson and Marcial Losada’s ratio is 3:1.
• And for those familiar with the “80/20 Rule”, note that spending 80% of your time on positives vs. 20% on negatives results in a 4:1 ratio!

And even when you have to give tough messages, you can still do it in a way that preserves their dignity and shows that you come from a place of positive intent.

So, how do you make people feel and what’s in your emotional bank account with each of them?

In the words of Maya Angelou, “At the end of the day, people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”

Example

I was asked to coach an executive, let’s call him Ted, who was seen as highly competent, but in need of developing his interpersonal and communication skills. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when Ted had fallen out with his boss by publicly embarrassing his boss without realizing it.

It turns out that Ted is a detail-oriented person with a technical orientation. His idea of a useful interaction was a monthly hour-long meeting to go through his business results in detail. When his boss regularly cut those meetings short, Ted felt short-changed and unappreciated.

His boss, on the other hand, felt that he never knew what Ted was up to, and dreaded those long detailed monthly meetings that he had no patience for. Every time he met with Ted, it was a negative experience. And Ted felt the same way. No wonder their relationship was in trouble.

Now, Ted has learned to do “drive-by” updates with his boss several times a week. These are as short as 30 seconds to poke his head into his boss’ office and give him an update, or as long as 10 minutes to go through a particular issue.

The ratio of positive to negative interactions has gone from 0:1 to something approaching 7:1, and Ted and his boss are back on track.

Action

List out the 5-10 people who count most in your life, whether at work, at home or at play.

• Reflect on your interactions with them over the last 3-6 months. How many interactions did you have with them, and what was the ratio or gap between the number of positive vs. negative experiences? Or maybe you simply haven’t kept in touch?
• Where are you overdrawn in your emotional bank account?
• Go to those people and make sure your next interaction with them is positive.