How to Give Brain-Friendly Feedback

Idea

The idea with brain-friendly feedback is to take what we know about the way that the brain works and craft a simple technique for giving messages that we really want people to hear. There are two things you want to know.

First, our brains are much more sensitive to threats than to rewards. If you give someone a piece of positive feedback and a piece of negative feedback, what they’re going to remember more is the negative feedback. Of course, that’s what’s going to put people on the defensive.

Second, people’s brains are much more attuned to processing tangible concrete things than abstract things. If you think, “Well, I’m going to do the classic praise sandwich, saying something generally positive, so that the other person doesn’t get as stressed by the negative feedback I’m giving them,” the challenge is that we usually do it like this: “You’re great. You’re doing great. Now, there are three things I’d really like you to do differently.” What they hear is, “There are three things that I need to change.”

The trick with brain-friendly feedback is to be astonishingly specific and tangible about what you like about what someone has done or is doing before you then say, “And what would make me like it more is … “.

That takes a bit of work because we have to dig to think what is it that I actually like about what this person is doing. You may have to be a bit creative. Maybe it’s their attitude that you can say that you appreciate. The more specific you can be, the more you create an effective cushion for someone to hear what it is that you’d like them to do differently.

Example

One of my clients has a tendency to leap in and be critical of what his colleagues are doing. Even though he appreciates their efforts and ideas, his tendency would be to say, “No, I think that’s not right because … “, or, “I think that you should do it differently”. The result was that they were seizing up and becoming less willing to come forward with ideas.

What I taught him was exactly this technique, the, “What I like about that is … ” and being specific: “I liked it when you did X because it had Y effect. That, then, made it possible for Z to happen.” Do as much of that as you can and then say, “And what would make me like it even more is … ”

Then I taught this technique to my client’s team so they could give him feedback on his demeanour and leadership. What was interesting was it worked just as well the other way around even though my client knew exactly what was being done.

Action

Think of a situation where you’ve been wanting to ask a colleague, partner or someone that you’re interacting with to change something they’re doing. Then try out giving brain-friendly feedback. Think about what can you say that is really specific about what you like, why you like it and the effect that it’s having. Do as much of that as you can and then say, “What would make me like it even more is … “.

You’ll get very different reactions because you’ll be delivering your feedback to someone’s brain not being on the defensive. That will allow them to think more clearly about what it is that you’re saying to them, and should actually lead to some positive action.