Think of a hard conversation that you want to have and know you need to have, but that you’ve resisted. Why haven’t you moved forward on this important conversation? I’m betting that you know what you need to say, have the skill to say it and have the time and the opportunity.
The thing that holds you back from moving forward on work that’s important to you is that there’s something you don’t want to feel. If you have that hard conversation, the other person might get upset or defensive. You might get upset or have to feel conflicted.
This applies to anything that’s important and yet hard for you to do. It could be asking for a raise, writing a proposal, or receiving a performance review.
So, how do you get around your resistance to moving forward?
I had a client who was leading a difficult turnaround of his company and he decided to fire his head of sales, who was a nice guy, but wasn’t performing. Three months later he still hadn’t fired him. I asked why and he replied, “You know, I’m a wimp”. But this wasn’t true. He wasn’t a wimp. As a CEO of a large organization, he was making difficult decisions all the time. But as a normal human being he didn’t want to feel what he would have to feel if he fired his employee.
Following through on the things that are most important to us is challenging but it is also the absolute most important thing we do as leaders.
When you find yourself slowing down or procrastinating on something that’s important you:
First, congratulate yourself for recognizing that you’re procrastinating.
Second, notice what you’re feeling. Pause, breathe, and feel. You don’t have to label it. Understand the feeling as something separate from you, rather than something consuming you. Notice the feeling. Does it change? Does it grow? Does it diminish? Notice that you can tolerate it and it’s just a feeling. Don’t expect or wait for it to go away. If you wait until you feel comfortable doing something that is inherently uncomfortable, you’re never going to end up doing it, so you have to act in the midst of it.
Finally, take a small step in the direction of the action that you’re procrastinating on. If it’s a difficult conversation, set up a time to talk. If it’s a blank page of a proposal, write that first sentence, or any sentence in the proposal. Let yourself feel the discomfort but don’t let the discomfort sway you from acting. And once you get started, just keep going.
Acting while you’re feeling uncomfortable builds the emotional courage muscle, the “willingness to feel” muscle, expanding your capacity to act in the face of discomfort and move forward on the things that are most important to you.
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For over 20 years, Peter Bregman has worked with CEOs and senior leaders to help them create accountability and inspire collective action on their most important work. He helps leaders to develop their leadership skills, build aligned, collaborative teams, and overcome obstacles to drive results for their organizations.
Bestselling author and one of Inc. Magazine Top 100 Leadership Speakers, Peter Bregman unlocks the secrets of highly successful leaders in his most recent book, Leading with Emotional Courage: How to Have Hard Conversations, Create Accountability, and Inspire Action on Your Most Important Work, which describes an overlooked – and essential – skill of leading at the highest levels: Emotional Courage.
